This has been the theme of my thoughts for as long as I can remember. How could it not be? As a woman, I have been fed the message that it is others who determine that I am beautiful. And by others, I mostly mean men. If I want to know whether or not I am beautiful, I simply have to look to my father, my lover, my brother, his friends...
I tell you, beauty is not determined by the current image on a magazine.
By the media's standards one month I'm too skinny, the next not skinny enough. One says I'm too loud, the other tells me to speak up. Redheads are in, redheads are out...
It is not determined by my father's affections nor the pursuits of men.
My father chose not to be a part of my life. What does this say about my beauty? All my past lovers thought my friends better than me or thought me better a friend. Is this to make me feel beautiful?
The only person I can look to to find my beauty is l'Éternel.
In the last few months I have realized that I am the closest to contentment that I have ever been. It is not because I have the perfect job (I'm working retail despite my degree). It is not because I have no worries at all (Family strife, career anxieties, etc...I can make you a list if you'd like). And it most certainly is not because I am in a relationship with a man (where many would assume it's to be found). The reason, well one stemming from the ultimate reason, is that I have become confident of/in my beauty.
This confidence grew from a decision to ask God to show me the woman that I am, to reveal to me what He finds to be beautiful about me. Which, of course, He did.
I have to say, His answers were not the answers I was expecting (they were never options in any magazine quizzes). In fact, His responses were the words I had received as rejections from man in the past!
God showed me that all that makes me beautiful is what came from my giving myself over and pursuing Him and striving to be the holy woman He made me to be. I found my beauty in being an ambassador of His.
In God I found the Father I always needed and in Jesus the Lover I always desired, both affirming my beauty.
Men have a wonderful role in our lives and they hold a beauty of their own (especially men of God. Amen? Amen.). But, man can no more define who we are than they can fulfill our deepest desires. That role is for our Creator and Him alone.
So. Beauty. It is the peace and joy found in the LORD. It cannot be bought because it is not for sale (at least not at Sephora or VS). It is not found in the eyes or the words or embrace of man (though glimpses have made their way into those places). It is found in an eternal romance with the Lover of my soul, the Captor of my heart. Strength and beauty are in his sanctuary (Ps. 96.6).
