I am constantly singing the praise of my California church home, Southlands. The first time I attended about 15 months ago I knew it was exactly where God wanted me to be. Many Sundays I leave service with eyes swollen from tears and wondering why I ever bother with mascara. Today was one of those Sundays.
I have lived such a life that I have been raised up with the necessity of being strong, I rarely (if ever) trust in the love of anyone other than God my Father, and have yet to feel like an insider even amongst my eldest friends.
All of this has always felt like such a contradiction to me. My feelings and inhibitions oppose my passions, heart, and knowledge. I have a deep passion for God and living His plan, my heart is heavy with love for His people, and I know that His Word is Truth. So, why have I slipped into this place of self-doubt and fear?
Today the pastor spoke of doubt and the things that keep us from placing God in the position of highest importance in our lives. At the end of the sermon he had us close our eyes so that we could sink into the presence of God. I did just that, and just as always when in His presence, I was brought to tears. With my tears came a realization that my decline in self-confidence translated into a decline in my trust in the words God has spoken to me. This thought brought such a feeling of wretchedness; how could I place my fears above my love for and trust in God!
I was shown that my "strength" is my most harmful weakness, so I sought prayer from the pastors wife. I asked for prayers concerning my loss of confidence and my ability to live out God's plan for me and my fear that such feelings meant that I had stopped trusting God. She prayed for this, then there was a pause before she gave me words that caused me to burst, once again, into tears.
She spoke to me words of comfort regarding struggles deep within in my heart that I had not mentioned. She spoke of my always having to be strong and do things on my own, my fear that I will always be in that position, and my hesitance to trust others. Through her, God assured me that I am where He wants me to be, that I am right on track, and that He does not intend me to live my life alone.Even in the midst of my confusion and lack of confession, the Lord knows and makes known what I need in order to grow and live as the woman He intends me to be.
All I could do after our prayer is proclaim how amazing God is. It is amazing how He cares for His people so deeply and passionately, in a way that I cannot completely comprehend. It is amazing that He speaks wisdom and comfort in ways that make it undeniable that it is Him speaking. I am about to finish my M.A in Christian Apologetics, so I can give a detailed and logically composed defense to the existence of God and the truth of the Gospels. However, I require nothing more than moments such as I had today to know and be confident that my faith in the Lord is not in vain.
It amazes me that I ever feel what is contrary to my heart. But what is ever more and truly amazing is God Himself!
