I am constantly singing the praise of my California church home, Southlands. The first time I attended about 15 months ago I knew it was exactly where God wanted me to be. Many Sundays I leave service with eyes swollen from tears and wondering why I ever bother with mascara. Today was one of those Sundays.
I have lived such a life that I have been raised up with the necessity of being strong, I rarely (if ever) trust in the love of anyone other than God my Father, and have yet to feel like an insider even amongst my eldest friends.
All of this has always felt like such a contradiction to me. My feelings and inhibitions oppose my passions, heart, and knowledge. I have a deep passion for God and living His plan, my heart is heavy with love for His people, and I know that His Word is Truth. So, why have I slipped into this place of self-doubt and fear?
Today the pastor spoke of doubt and the things that keep us from placing God in the position of highest importance in our lives. At the end of the sermon he had us close our eyes so that we could sink into the presence of God. I did just that, and just as always when in His presence, I was brought to tears. With my tears came a realization that my decline in self-confidence translated into a decline in my trust in the words God has spoken to me. This thought brought such a feeling of wretchedness; how could I place my fears above my love for and trust in God!
I was shown that my "strength" is my most harmful weakness, so I sought prayer from the pastors wife. I asked for prayers concerning my loss of confidence and my ability to live out God's plan for me and my fear that such feelings meant that I had stopped trusting God. She prayed for this, then there was a pause before she gave me words that caused me to burst, once again, into tears.
She spoke to me words of comfort regarding struggles deep within in my heart that I had not mentioned. She spoke of my always having to be strong and do things on my own, my fear that I will always be in that position, and my hesitance to trust others. Through her, God assured me that I am where He wants me to be, that I am right on track, and that He does not intend me to live my life alone.Even in the midst of my confusion and lack of confession, the Lord knows and makes known what I need in order to grow and live as the woman He intends me to be.
All I could do after our prayer is proclaim how amazing God is. It is amazing how He cares for His people so deeply and passionately, in a way that I cannot completely comprehend. It is amazing that He speaks wisdom and comfort in ways that make it undeniable that it is Him speaking. I am about to finish my M.A in Christian Apologetics, so I can give a detailed and logically composed defense to the existence of God and the truth of the Gospels. However, I require nothing more than moments such as I had today to know and be confident that my faith in the Lord is not in vain.
It amazes me that I ever feel what is contrary to my heart. But what is ever more and truly amazing is God Himself!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Ambassador of Beauty
Beauty. What is it? How does one get it? Is it something I can buy? Is it something that man can provide? Where do I find it? Is it in my lover's eyes?
This has been the theme of my thoughts for as long as I can remember. How could it not be? As a woman, I have been fed the message that it is others who determine that I am beautiful. And by others, I mostly mean men. If I want to know whether or not I am beautiful, I simply have to look to my father, my lover, my brother, his friends...
I tell you, beauty is not determined by the current image on a magazine.
By the media's standards one month I'm too skinny, the next not skinny enough. One says I'm too loud, the other tells me to speak up. Redheads are in, redheads are out...
It is not determined by my father's affections nor the pursuits of men.
My father chose not to be a part of my life. What does this say about my beauty? All my past lovers thought my friends better than me or thought me better a friend. Is this to make me feel beautiful?
The only person I can look to to find my beauty is l'Éternel.
In the last few months I have realized that I am the closest to contentment that I have ever been. It is not because I have the perfect job (I'm working retail despite my degree). It is not because I have no worries at all (Family strife, career anxieties, etc...I can make you a list if you'd like). And it most certainly is not because I am in a relationship with a man (where many would assume it's to be found). The reason, well one stemming from the ultimate reason, is that I have become confident of/in my beauty.
This confidence grew from a decision to ask God to show me the woman that I am, to reveal to me what He finds to be beautiful about me. Which, of course, He did.
I have to say, His answers were not the answers I was expecting (they were never options in any magazine quizzes). In fact, His responses were the words I had received as rejections from man in the past!
God showed me that all that makes me beautiful is what came from my giving myself over and pursuing Him and striving to be the holy woman He made me to be. I found my beauty in being an ambassador of His.
In God I found the Father I always needed and in Jesus the Lover I always desired, both affirming my beauty.
The reason I never got an affirming response to my beauty from the actions of my father or the words of any man, is that I was looking for the wrong answers in the wrong places.
Men have a wonderful role in our lives and they hold a beauty of their own (especially men of God. Amen? Amen.). But, man can no more define who we are than they can fulfill our deepest desires. That role is for our Creator and Him alone.
So. Beauty. It is the peace and joy found in the LORD. It cannot be bought because it is not for sale (at least not at Sephora or VS). It is not found in the eyes or the words or embrace of man (though glimpses have made their way into those places). It is found in an eternal romance with the Lover of my soul, the Captor of my heart. Strength and beauty are in his sanctuary (Ps. 96.6).
This has been the theme of my thoughts for as long as I can remember. How could it not be? As a woman, I have been fed the message that it is others who determine that I am beautiful. And by others, I mostly mean men. If I want to know whether or not I am beautiful, I simply have to look to my father, my lover, my brother, his friends...
I tell you, beauty is not determined by the current image on a magazine.
By the media's standards one month I'm too skinny, the next not skinny enough. One says I'm too loud, the other tells me to speak up. Redheads are in, redheads are out...
It is not determined by my father's affections nor the pursuits of men.
My father chose not to be a part of my life. What does this say about my beauty? All my past lovers thought my friends better than me or thought me better a friend. Is this to make me feel beautiful?
The only person I can look to to find my beauty is l'Éternel.
In the last few months I have realized that I am the closest to contentment that I have ever been. It is not because I have the perfect job (I'm working retail despite my degree). It is not because I have no worries at all (Family strife, career anxieties, etc...I can make you a list if you'd like). And it most certainly is not because I am in a relationship with a man (where many would assume it's to be found). The reason, well one stemming from the ultimate reason, is that I have become confident of/in my beauty.
This confidence grew from a decision to ask God to show me the woman that I am, to reveal to me what He finds to be beautiful about me. Which, of course, He did.
I have to say, His answers were not the answers I was expecting (they were never options in any magazine quizzes). In fact, His responses were the words I had received as rejections from man in the past!
God showed me that all that makes me beautiful is what came from my giving myself over and pursuing Him and striving to be the holy woman He made me to be. I found my beauty in being an ambassador of His.
In God I found the Father I always needed and in Jesus the Lover I always desired, both affirming my beauty.
Men have a wonderful role in our lives and they hold a beauty of their own (especially men of God. Amen? Amen.). But, man can no more define who we are than they can fulfill our deepest desires. That role is for our Creator and Him alone.
So. Beauty. It is the peace and joy found in the LORD. It cannot be bought because it is not for sale (at least not at Sephora or VS). It is not found in the eyes or the words or embrace of man (though glimpses have made their way into those places). It is found in an eternal romance with the Lover of my soul, the Captor of my heart. Strength and beauty are in his sanctuary (Ps. 96.6).
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Pining
I never thought I would write a blog; why would others care to read about what is going on in my life, who am I but another broken human being amongst God's creatures? But, today I feel compelled to write. God has done such marvelous things and it would be neglectful of me as His daughter to keep them to myself.
Today is Resurrection Sunday, the most important day of the year, the day that we celebrate Jesus' Victory! This morning, as I was engaged in the message of Christ's sacrifice, the Pastor asked (not in these exact words) how it is that we approach death; how is it that we mourn our loved ones? This was not the first time this week that I was faced with these questions. As I have been in remembrance of Christ's death and Resurrection this holy week, I have witnessed the death and resurrection of another.
Early on the morning of Good Friday I received a phone call from my mother that we needed to prepare for my grandmother's death. My reaction to this phone call was sad, yet peaceful. Two days earlier my disposition was quite the opposite. Wednesday my mother called to tell me that my grandmother was in the hospital with a broken hip, severe muscle damage, and kidney failure. This news struck fear in my heart. I did not fear because her life may end (as a Christian I know that this life is not the end); I feared for what was in store for her once she left this body. I have never known my grandmother to be a believer, she'd come to church to hear me sing now and then, but never to join in an altar call. So, my heart was breaking for thought of what was to be her fate. But, God's sovereignty was declared when I heard the story of what led to my her hospitalization.
Six days. That is how long my grandmother was alone on the floor of her home. She had fallen and broken her hip and for six days she was in pain, unable to move, unable to walk to the restroom, and unable to get food or water. My grams is a tenacious lady, one does not have to ask for sass for her to give it to them, and she has always been determined to rely on her own strength (I suppose these are qualities that she has passed down to all of the women of my family). So, when I thought of her helpless and alone for six days, I thought of how humiliated and weak she must have felt, and worse, I feared that this would give her more reason to further herself from God. But, then I heard her testimony. She said that the entire time she was on that floor, she spoke to God. She also said that He gave her a message. All that she would reveal of this message was one word, pining.
There are those to whom every day brings them closer/further into death, then there are those to whom every day brings them further into eternal life. My grams is now one of the latter. The woman that was always 'in control of her own life' is now saying that her fate is 'in God's hands'! God uses what is necessary to reclaim the hearts of His children, for my grams it was six days of pain and helplessness, six days of pining. What began as a pining for health or relief ended in a pining for communion with God. God kept my grandmother alive, but more importantly he softened her heart and gave her life. No matter if her time in this body is one more day or one more decade, I give God the praise for the peace I have that she has accepted His invitation to live eternally with Him.
So, on this Resurrection Sunday I joyously proclaim that He is Risen and I have seen Him save His children from death!
Today is Resurrection Sunday, the most important day of the year, the day that we celebrate Jesus' Victory! This morning, as I was engaged in the message of Christ's sacrifice, the Pastor asked (not in these exact words) how it is that we approach death; how is it that we mourn our loved ones? This was not the first time this week that I was faced with these questions. As I have been in remembrance of Christ's death and Resurrection this holy week, I have witnessed the death and resurrection of another.
Early on the morning of Good Friday I received a phone call from my mother that we needed to prepare for my grandmother's death. My reaction to this phone call was sad, yet peaceful. Two days earlier my disposition was quite the opposite. Wednesday my mother called to tell me that my grandmother was in the hospital with a broken hip, severe muscle damage, and kidney failure. This news struck fear in my heart. I did not fear because her life may end (as a Christian I know that this life is not the end); I feared for what was in store for her once she left this body. I have never known my grandmother to be a believer, she'd come to church to hear me sing now and then, but never to join in an altar call. So, my heart was breaking for thought of what was to be her fate. But, God's sovereignty was declared when I heard the story of what led to my her hospitalization.
Six days. That is how long my grandmother was alone on the floor of her home. She had fallen and broken her hip and for six days she was in pain, unable to move, unable to walk to the restroom, and unable to get food or water. My grams is a tenacious lady, one does not have to ask for sass for her to give it to them, and she has always been determined to rely on her own strength (I suppose these are qualities that she has passed down to all of the women of my family). So, when I thought of her helpless and alone for six days, I thought of how humiliated and weak she must have felt, and worse, I feared that this would give her more reason to further herself from God. But, then I heard her testimony. She said that the entire time she was on that floor, she spoke to God. She also said that He gave her a message. All that she would reveal of this message was one word, pining.
There are those to whom every day brings them closer/further into death, then there are those to whom every day brings them further into eternal life. My grams is now one of the latter. The woman that was always 'in control of her own life' is now saying that her fate is 'in God's hands'! God uses what is necessary to reclaim the hearts of His children, for my grams it was six days of pain and helplessness, six days of pining. What began as a pining for health or relief ended in a pining for communion with God. God kept my grandmother alive, but more importantly he softened her heart and gave her life. No matter if her time in this body is one more day or one more decade, I give God the praise for the peace I have that she has accepted His invitation to live eternally with Him.
So, on this Resurrection Sunday I joyously proclaim that He is Risen and I have seen Him save His children from death!
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