The Mystery of Personality

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. 

~Psalm 139:13-16~

Within the last few weeks I have twice faced the reality of death. This has made me think of my life and how much it is reflecting (if at all) the person that I  am. I have taken a good look at myself and asked: am I living as my true self or as an image that others have projected onto me?

I don't know about you, but I love it when I have time to re-visit some classic literature. This week I was reminded of my most recent encounter with Marcel Proust's Swann's Way. I remembered that as I sat down with a cup of coffee and enveloped myself in the book, I thought of the great felicity that comes with Proust's writing; his artful prose and epic sentences are known to stir up memories long forgotten, awaken new insights, and expose neglected realities.

Perhaps I am giving Proust too much credit. However, his words scratched on the surface of my mind, calming an itch I had learned to ignore.

As I was reading the story of Swann in Love, one aside seemed to scream from the page:

"For one thing love and death have in common, more than those vague resemblances people are always talking about, is that they make us question more deeply, for fear that its reality will slip away from us, the mystery of personality."

Proust is speaking of the love a man has for a woman, and no doubt he does this justice, but as I read this I could not help but think of the deepest love I have ever known and will ever know, l'Amour de Dieu. 

God's love is so strong, pure, eternal, and genuine. There is no reason to fear that it will fade away or that He will lose interest and leave us. Yet, for some reason, despite His affirmation that His love is True and deep, we fear. What is it that we fear? We fear that we will lose ourselves, just as a man can lose himself in a woman or a woman in a man.

In Proust's book, when Swann realizes that he is in love with Odette, he shifts his interests to be the same as hers, he drives himself mad and completely alters his life in order to please her and keep her interest. This is all too common an occurance when people "fall in love", so it is only natural that we would compare this to devoting our lives to God.

When I first decided to give my life over to God, I was afraid. I was afraid that I would have to become a completely different person. I wondered: does this mean that I will no longer be able to make jokes? People think I'm funny (at least I think they do) and I enjoy making them laugh... will they continue to enjoy my company? Does this mean I will have to like completely different things? I enjoy "secular" music and books... will I be able to relate to other Christians? Will I still be me, or will I have a completely different personality?

I believe we are all born with unique personalities. One can find evidence of this in the behavior of infants and young children. As we grow, our outlooks and actions are influenced by outside sources, such as our parents and geographical location. But, can anything alter the very essence of who we are? Do our personalities ever change?

In Christ I did change, but not into a person that wasn't myself. I gained a healthier outlook on life and my actions started to reflect those of a person less concerned with self and more concerned with others. Though I did change, my personality remained; I continued to make jokes (albeit, my jokes became less inappropriate), enjoy rock 'n roll, and read Proust novels. By succumbing and diving completely into God's love, I simply changed into a better version of myself. I found my true self. 

In Him, our personalities are fulfilled, not stifled. After all, it was He who made us who we are in the first place. 

So, Proust was right: as in death, in love we fear the loss of self; we fear that we will cease to be. However, in True Love there is no need to fear because the true self blossoms. God's love gives our personalities  room to breathe and the strength to come to the surface.