The Free Man's Prison

Jesus answered them, “Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up.” The Jews then said, “It has taken forty-six years to build this temple, and will you raise it up in three days?” But he was speaking about the temple of his body. When therefore he was raised from the dead, his disciples remembered that he had said this, and they believed the Scripture and the word that Jesus had spoken. 

~John 2:19-22~

In the desert of the heart,

Let the healing fountain start;

In the prison of his days,

Teach the free man how to praise.

~W.H. Auden

We are arriving at the end of lent, this is the point when many people are coming off of a purge and preparing for a binge. Whether you gave up soda, shopping, or sarcasm, it's likely that right about now, you're ready for a fix.  

But, hopefully this experience has been one of growth and all are realizing that Lent and fasting isn't just about letting go of things and feeling the sacrifice of their absence; it's about preparing ourselves for God and making room for His presence in our lives. 

Because we are free creatures we have the capability to choose for ourselves what fills our lives. The problem is that there are so many choices; we have so much stuff surrounding us in life that distracts and has the capability of imprisoning us.

The free man's prison is made up of his own devices. Relying solely on self shuts out others and closes us off from greater possibilities and a more promising life. When we attempt to build our future by our own strength and works alone, we are simply erecting a prison in which to exist, not a life in which to prosper.

Truly living means taking the gift of free will and using it to choose to give God precedence in our lives.

Humans are really good at taking good things and tainting them; we strip beauty and depth out of experiences by trying to simplify that which is wondrous and compartmentalize that which is complex.

We condemn the actions of others because it is easier than caring about their hearts. We try to achieve perfection on our own because it is less painful than allowing God to work in us. We build temples because we want a concrete place to which we can turn, a physical door that we can open with our own power.

Prison is loneliness; it is separation from love and meaning. Often in an effort to clasp onto freedom, we try to create meaning by building temples from the ground, when the most freeing thing we can do is to put down our hammers and lift up our hands in praise of the grace and mercy that God has bestowed upon us.

The only temple that man can conceive of without Christ is one founded on human pride. 

Jesus' crucifixion has redeemed us and His resurrection has shattered our conceptions of life and death. He taught us that true life comes after death. Luckily, we don't have to wait until our bodily death to partake of the life He offers; we simply have to die to self.

Sometimes our temples need to be torn down in order for us to truly live and for proper righteousness to be restored.

The escape from the free man's prison may be simple, but it surely isn't easy. Though, as we've all heard before: few things worth having come easily. So, it logically follows that the road to a meaningful life is the most rewardingly tragic struggle that any of us will ever face.

The Mystery of Personality

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. 

~Psalm 139:13-16~

Within the last few weeks I have twice faced the reality of death. This has made me think of my life and how much it is reflecting (if at all) the person that I  am. I have taken a good look at myself and asked: am I living as my true self or as an image that others have projected onto me?

I don't know about you, but I love it when I have time to re-visit some classic literature. This week I was reminded of my most recent encounter with Marcel Proust's Swann's Way. I remembered that as I sat down with a cup of coffee and enveloped myself in the book, I thought of the great felicity that comes with Proust's writing; his artful prose and epic sentences are known to stir up memories long forgotten, awaken new insights, and expose neglected realities.

Perhaps I am giving Proust too much credit. However, his words scratched on the surface of my mind, calming an itch I had learned to ignore.

As I was reading the story of Swann in Love, one aside seemed to scream from the page:

"For one thing love and death have in common, more than those vague resemblances people are always talking about, is that they make us question more deeply, for fear that its reality will slip away from us, the mystery of personality."

Proust is speaking of the love a man has for a woman, and no doubt he does this justice, but as I read this I could not help but think of the deepest love I have ever known and will ever know, l'Amour de Dieu. 

God's love is so strong, pure, eternal, and genuine. There is no reason to fear that it will fade away or that He will lose interest and leave us. Yet, for some reason, despite His affirmation that His love is True and deep, we fear. What is it that we fear? We fear that we will lose ourselves, just as a man can lose himself in a woman or a woman in a man.

In Proust's book, when Swann realizes that he is in love with Odette, he shifts his interests to be the same as hers, he drives himself mad and completely alters his life in order to please her and keep her interest. This is all too common an occurance when people "fall in love", so it is only natural that we would compare this to devoting our lives to God.

When I first decided to give my life over to God, I was afraid. I was afraid that I would have to become a completely different person. I wondered: does this mean that I will no longer be able to make jokes? People think I'm funny (at least I think they do) and I enjoy making them laugh... will they continue to enjoy my company? Does this mean I will have to like completely different things? I enjoy "secular" music and books... will I be able to relate to other Christians? Will I still be me, or will I have a completely different personality?

I believe we are all born with unique personalities. One can find evidence of this in the behavior of infants and young children. As we grow, our outlooks and actions are influenced by outside sources, such as our parents and geographical location. But, can anything alter the very essence of who we are? Do our personalities ever change?

In Christ I did change, but not into a person that wasn't myself. I gained a healthier outlook on life and my actions started to reflect those of a person less concerned with self and more concerned with others. Though I did change, my personality remained; I continued to make jokes (albeit, my jokes became less inappropriate), enjoy rock 'n roll, and read Proust novels. By succumbing and diving completely into God's love, I simply changed into a better version of myself. I found my true self. 

In Him, our personalities are fulfilled, not stifled. After all, it was He who made us who we are in the first place. 

So, Proust was right: as in death, in love we fear the loss of self; we fear that we will cease to be. However, in True Love there is no need to fear because the true self blossoms. God's love gives our personalities  room to breathe and the strength to come to the surface.

Joy In a Time of Melancholy

The hope of the righteous brings joy,

but the expectation of the wicked will perish.

~Proverbs 10:28~

For he will not much remember the days of his life because God keeps him occupied with joy in his heart.

~Ecclesiastes 5:20~

You've heard it said that "life is a gift", but have you ever wished that it were a gift that you could exchange, or even return? I have. O, bitter melancholy! It makes you feel helpless and worthless and makes life seem meaningless. And unfortunately, it's not something that, once defeated, is forever gone; it returns over and over again. 

So, if life is folly, as Solomon said, what keeps us from giving up and fermenting in the bile of our sorrows?

Good fortune is a requisite for happiness. When things go wrong in life we become unhappy. The word happy is connected to the word happenstance, meaning that our happiness is dependent upon our circumstances: the happenings of our lives.

It's no wonder people chase money, power, and lustful pleasures: they really do make us happy! The problem is not finding happiness, the trouble is keeping it. Happiness is fleeting. Happiness is grounded in life here and now; by its own definition, we cannot be happy all of the time. 

And then there's joy. Many use joy as a synonym for happiness, but they are two different creatures. Joy can exist in the midst of bad fortune; it can be present regardless of circumstance. Joy is eternal. Joy is rooted in hope and promise. It is steadfast for it comes from our God. Joy gets its strength from the future and it is the source of delight. Joy looks to possibility.

Happiness is an effect; joy is a cause.

We are obsessed with happiness. There are even websites dedicated to happifying our minds and training us to be more satisfied with life. This is all good and well, but maybe we are focusing on the wrong things. Maybe happiness is not the answer (not to say we should not pursue it, it is our right as Americans after-all). Maybe we can't get no satisfaction (insert Mick Jagger voice here) because we are looking in the wrong place. Though the stuff of this life can bring us happiness, the grace that God freely gives offers us a joy that lasts forever. 

When you've got that joy (joy, joy, joy) down in your heart (where?), melancholy doesn't ruin your life and render it meaningless. Joy picks you up, joy gives you reason to keep on truckin' through heartbreak, disappointment, struggle, and all the other crap that life throws your way. 

Joy means thriving despite sadness. 

I would never claim that I am a "happy" person, yet I laugh and smile every day. I have lived a life full of pain and lingering sorrow, but I have persevered. I am a maker of delicious lemonade because I know that this life and all of its lemons are not all there is. As Psalm 30:5 says: "Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning."

 

I Bet You Think This Blog Is About You

Those of low estate are but a breath;

those of high estate are a delusion;

in the balances they go up;

they are together lighter than a breath. 

~Psalm 62:9, ESV~

Breaking up is hard to do. It is difficult to cope with suddenly having an empty space in your life that used to be filled with someone you loved. Whether it be due to unrequited love, difference in beliefs, betrayal, distance, or other life changes, a relationship’s end is not something that you immediately move past.

One thing I have found helps me work through the emotions that come with relational change, is writing songs. There is something freeing about putting my feelings to words and then words to paper; the process of my turmoil becoming rhythmic relieves my burdens and steadies the beating of my heart.

Not too long ago, I sat mourning the loss of a love, experiencing the hurt of feeling expendable. I wrote lyrics that expressed my thoughts toward a love that didn’t care about me as much as I cared about him. Later, I read what I wrote and I thought: Have I ever made someone feel this way; have songs like this been written about me? 

An even more humbling thought: how often do I make God feel this way? I can’t possibly love Him as much as He loves me.

I would posit that David often had similar thoughts. We see in his psalms that he had many relational struggles with men, women, and God. This giant-slaying musician king was no stranger to anguish.

One thing I appreciate about the Bible is that it does not allow us to lift too high its “heroes”. We aren’t just told about the good in the men and women God called, but we are informed of the bad and ugly as well. 

There is a reason why Scripture includes the messy bits. Being human is a messy disposition. Even David, the man after God’s own heart, did things that wrecked the lives of others (adultery, murder). Reading about the mistakes of God’s chosen heroes, and experiencing those we make ourselves, is meant to humble us. No one, especially self, is to be lifted above the LORD. 

It is easy to fall into the traps of sorrow that lead to self-centeredness. It is important that we not only process our pain, but know when to step outside of it to recognize the impact that we have on the lives of others. Just as we are capable of sharing an immense amount of love, we are capable of causing an extreme amount of harm. When we focus too often on self, we don’t see how we hurt those around us, and how we ignore God.

Our emotions are legitimate and should not be brushed aside. However, none of us should assume we are the only ones that get left battered by relational disturbances. Every soul hurts. When we are lacerated by grief, we must face it with God so that we can mend and grow instead of increasing its negative impact and passing it on to others.

So, write a song or sing a song to get through your tears, but do so with the awareness that there are others out there doing the same. That song you’re singing may just be about you.

Who Doesn't Have "Abba" Issues?

For my father and my mother have forsaken me,

but the Lord will take me in... Father of the fatherless and protector of widows

is God in his holy habitation. 

~Psalm 27:10 & 68:5

Father's Day just passed: a holiday that gives some people reason to celebrate while for others serves as a catalyst to open up or scratch at deep and painful wounds.

How we view our earthly fathers affects (either consciously or subconsciously) how we approach our Heavenly Father. Our "daddy" issues can cause us to have "Abba" issues.

Is anyone else singing John Mayer's "Fathers Be Good To Your Daughters" right now? no? just me? okay... moving on... 

My Father's choices and actions had an effect on my approach to human relationship, so you'd think that when I first heard about God the Father I would have cringed, but that (luckily) was not the case.

I never seemed to use my earthly father to determine who God is, rather I used God to understand what a father should be. I was (and still am) comforted by God in the role of father, despite the failures of the man whose name I hold.

*Now, to be fair to my father, he is a human being just like the rest of us. I love him and forgive him for the past and do not intend this post to be a slam on him.

Fathers deeply impact our self-image. Whether we like it or not what we think our fathers think of us is directly correlated to what we think of ourselves. For example, to a large extent when I was younger (and, to be honest, to a much smaller extent now) I felt like I was not good enough or captivating enough to make any man want to stay in my life. I have always said that the idea of me is much more appealing than the actual me.

Now, intellectually I knew this to be false (simple logic proved this otherwise), but my heart just could not agree with my mind. Plus, it seemed that all of my relationships with men proved my heart right.

Then I realized that, not only was my history with my father affecting my human relationships, but it was affecting my relationship with God as well. I caught myself thinking that my problems weren't big enough to bring to my Father and that I wasn't deserving of His love. THIS BROKE MY HEART.

And then it lifted a weight off of it.

For so long I felt troubled, my heart and my mind were at war with each other. I NEVER doubted that God was and is and always will be who the Bible claims. I just knew it to be true and reasonable. I didn't reject God as my Father because my father did not live up to God's standards, so my "daddy" issues didn't affect my relationship with God. right?

Wrong. Just like all of those deep-seeded super gnarly issues that tear at your soul, my problems with my dad had strategically located themselves in a locked away place within my being and caused me to hesitate with my Father, despite my knowledge of His unconditional love for me.

My "daddy" issues had caused some serious "Abba" issues. 

DON'T WORRY! This story has a happy ending: I'm cured! I no longer have any issues, all of my relationships are perfect and healthy, and I only sing happy songs...

I said a happy ending, not a fantastical ending.

The real ending is this: In recognizing my issues I have been able to seek God and allow Him to approach me with solutions. I still have insecurities and I still have breakdown moments that involve large amounts of wine and chocolate. But I recognize them for what they are and this ultimately gives me power over my issues instead of my issues having power over me.

And the moral of the story is: daughters and sons, love your heavenly Father and let Him love you, despite or in light of your earthly father. God is the One and Only God. There is no one like Him, just like there is no one else like ChrisAnn Johnson (well, actually, to a much larger degree, but you get the point). He is worth FAR more than being compared to a man.

We don't like being unjustly compared to others, so why would we think it good to do it to the Almighty God?

Harmonizing in the Key of God's Love

All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation

~2 Corinthians 5:18~

More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

~Romans 5:11~

We have all had an experience when we are singing along to a song, at church or in the car, and you hear a voice singing that is just a bit (or a lot) off key. Maybe this is because of a tone deaf singer or possibly due to a failed attempt to harmonize. Either way it is unpleasant and often sends you into 'fight or flight' mode.

When you refuse to forgive, insist on squabbling, build impenetrable walls, and burn bridges, you are creating an experience much like that of hearing those clashing notes.


This is a time of year when family gets together for holidays and graduations. Reuniting with relatives is fun for some, but for others it is cause for tension. My family is crazy (mostly in the fun way). I love them dearly, however, not all of them feel that same love for each other. 

Wrong decisions, hurtful words, divorce, money, and even a questionable look are all reasons that have sent kin into silence and disownment. Some of us may get upset and eventually brush it off, while others are better at holding grudges, which sets them up for bigger hurt. 



Forgiveness is one of the most unique and pure aspects of Christianity. Forgiving doesn't always make sense, in fact it usually disagrees with our instincts. But, as Christians we are called to do it because it is necessary for right relationship with God and with others.

Forgiveness leads to reconciliation. Reconciliation is the act of bringing into harmony or the state of compatibility. It is my strong belief that, in relationships, reconciliation should always be our goal.

If you need help justifying the mending of fences and forgiving others who have hurt or offended you, look to the Almighty God. How many times has man shut Him out? How many times have we offended Him with our words and hurt Him with our choices?

YET, through His amazing love He has forgiven us and pulled us back into His arms. He hasn't simply brushed off His upset--He brought us back to all of the treasure that is His love.

We are reconciled to God. We are His body and are made in His image. Because of this we should work to reconcile ourselves to others and others to Him, just as He has done with us. Treasure is worthless if it's buried away, it is enjoyed more with its distribution.


So, let us all reconcile, let us harmonize in the key of God's Love! 

This is not an easy task, we are all damaged by past pains and driven by ideas of 'justice.' However it is a task that will be the most freeing. 

Forgiveness is a gift and the best gifts are those shared. 

A Christian's Guide to Keeping Sharp and Taking Out the Trash

Brothers,if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

~Galatians 6:1-2~

As part of my work, I have the privilege of writing about "green" issues specific to the area in which I live. Because of this I get to go and see problems first-hand and talk to people about how they are directly and personally affected by the behaviors and practices of others.

"Green" issues can speak measures into Christian life and duty, such as the command to be good stewards of God's creation. Aside from the obvious stewardship connection, how we deal with our trash is a great image of how we deal with our relationships in Christian community.

Of all of the issues I address in my writing (recycling, water & energy conservation, etc.) the one I feel most passionate about is illegal dumping. I believe this is due to my strong instinct to fight against injustice of any kind.

Illegal dumpers have laws and law enforcement officers that (ideally) hold them accountable for their misconduct. What if it were like this for Christians (or ALL human beings)? Obviously, we are all held accountable (again, ideally) for the crimes we commit against the laws of our country/state. But, what if others truly held us accountable for our sins, not just the "big" ones, but the "small" ones as well?

Now, this is not a foreign concept (see above verse, Proverbs 27:17, James 5:16, & Ephesians 4:25). Accountability is meant to be an active part of daily Christian life. John Wesley, along with other Christian leaders, emphasized the importance of Believers holding each other accountable for their thoughts and deeds. He developed a list of questions to ask himself and to offer up in community to use as a tool in spiritual accountability:

Am I consciously or unconsciously creating the impression that I am better than I really am? In other words, am I a hypocrite?

Do I confidentially pass on to others what has been said to me in confidence?

Can I be trusted?

Am I a slave to dress, friends, work or habits?

Am I self-conscious, self-pitying, or self-justifying?

Did the Bible live in me today?

Do I give the Bible time to speak to me every day?

Am I enjoying prayer?

When did I last speak to someone else of my faith?

Do I pray about the money I spend?

Do I get to bed on time and get up on time?

Do I disobey God in anything?

Do I insist upon doing something about which my conscience is uneasy?

Am I defeated in any part of my life?

Am I jealous, impure, critical, irritable, touchy or distrustful?

How do I spend my spare time?

Am I proud?

Do I thank God that I am not as other people, especially as the Pharisees who despised the publican?

Is there anyone whom I fear, dislike, disown, criticize, hold a resentment toward or disregard? If so, what am I doing about it?

Do I grumble or complain constantly?

Is Christ real to me?

Accountability is not about judgement, or strictly pointing out the flaws in others. It is about growth. It is about caring enough about each other to save one another from the hurt that comes with sin (connected to guilt or other consequences there of).

Most of us in western civilization don't have to think much about our trash; we stick it out on our curb so someone else can take it to be buried away in a landfill. It is the same way with sin.

How about instead of helping others bury away their sins with comments like "it's not that bad","a lot of people do that", or "others have done worse", we help them confront those sins like one is forced to confront trash dumped in his backyard.

When we bury our trash it poisons our land, when we bury our sins it poisons our souls. As Christians we are accountable for one another. We have to help each other take a good look at our sin and examine its origin to reveal its toxicity.

We all have trash. We all have sin. We are all responsible for the effect both have on our neighbors and our selves.

How often do you hear from non-believers: "Christians are the biggest hypocrites! why should I believe anything they say?" Here is some breaking news: THEY ARE RIGHT! When we don't hold ourselves accountable for the way we live and treat others, we are no different than every other fallen human being.

We should hold ourselves to higher standards, not out of pride, but because it is what God commands of us.

As we are able to grow with the help of spiritual accountability, for "one man sharpens another"(Proverbs 27:17), we are better able to do what God calls us to do: to be His body--to be a light in the darkness.